Self-love gives you strength. My ex’s love left me breathless because it wasn’t kind. It was a love that felt like smoke in your lungs, a frog in your throat, and left tears on the tip of your tongue. Sure he said he loved me but his actions said otherwise. He ignored my calls from time to time and would go m.i.a. for 3 days at a time without an apology. Psychologically, being ignored feels painful and my ex made sure to hurt me in many ways deliberately for the duration of our time together.
Self-love is the lesson because of my lack thereof in this relationship. My ex was even late on our first date and I didn’t address it. Red flag ladies. He once made a stop somewhere before coming to see me with no notice. I addressed that but it wasn’t an easy conversation to have. Talking to him often felt like going into a battle I had no chance of winning. My words were filled with anxiety anytime I needed to address his wrongdoings. I often pushed through but I found myself asking for too much from him. “Pick up the phone, text me back, call if you’re gonna be late.” Common sense had left my soul because he said he loved me. I needed his love at that time.
Let me emphasize, I wasn’t asking for too much. Asking for simple things is never too much but asking HIM was too much. He didn’t respect enough to align his words with his actions. He didn’t care no matter if I yelled or spoke calmly about his issues. He didn’t value me enough to give me the basic requirements of a relationship. He would promise to change and repeat the bullshit, so finally, I concluded: his love and his promises were empty.
The Fight For Love
I wanted to feel the depth of love just because he said those three words and I wanted to fight with that sword just because he said those three words but with no action behind his words, there was nothing to fight for. I learned what it was like to swim and fight my battle alone. He’d say sweet things to keep my heart hanging on but aimed cutthroat subliminals at my soul. Once in an argument, he told me “I like strong women, Asia.”, implying that I was weak. I WAS weak, especially for him. Ignoring his jab at my soul didn’t stop it from taking effect.
He once told me I was “too confident”. Was he my biggest hater? Maybe. With that and his blatant cheating which I didn’t want to believe, I finally surfaced from our “love” and broke up with him. I broke up with him twice before asking him to get back together again one day. “Why?” He asked me. I realized I didn’t have a real answer but I muttered something about loving him. He said no. In days after, he told me I didn’t beg hard enough. Another jab at my soul that made me see some sense finally. He said no for a reason and I’m grateful that he did.
I wanted to fight for him. I wanted to fight for something. For anything for once in my life but I hadn’t a tactic in me. I hadn’t read “The Art of War”. I didn’t play “Call of Duty”. I hadn’t done those things that give you the skills of verbal combat in an argument. Why should I need to know how to argue with someone I’m supposed to be happy with? I had a lackadaisical wit that often responded when everything was over and I always felt like that was always one of my biggest downfalls. In debates, I always had a viewpoint but things made sense to me in ways I couldn’t explain so I often stayed silent. I wanted to fight for him but without the wit or the homework breakdown of my reasoning I needed to enamor him to love me, I tasted defeat before the battle began.
I wasn’t gonna go above and beyond. I wasn’t gonna jump through hoops to make him love me more but I loved expressing love and wanted to express that love to someone so I gave it to him willingly, knowing he gave his real love to someone else. Someone he texted back, someone whose calls he’d return and someone he’d NEVER go m.i.a. on.
Self-Love Surfaced
Self-love is important. You gotta love yourself enough to know that when a man’s actions don’t match his words, you walk away out of self-respect. You gotta love yourself enough to know that when a man is blatantly cheating on you, you don’t ask him if he is. It shows that his words are worth more than you’re own eyes meaning you don’t trust yourself.
Knowing that his words were worth nothing, I guess I was really looking for any reason to stay. I wanted him to fight for ME and he did. He fought with promises of me being the only one. I ate that bullshit up like cold lava. His words weren’t poison to my system, sneaking up and killing me. They were lava. Cold so it’s edible but being lava, something you shouldn’t be eating in the first place, it’s liable to damage you.
Now I swim in my own depths of self-love. I have a current, not an ex, who makes me truly happy. I want to be a woman of my words, unlike my ex. I wrote a poem about his love called GOLD as a reflection. Knowing what I know now means I’ll never let myself be hurt in that way again. My mom always said, “Actions speak louder than words.” I love words so I clang his murmurs in my ears like a jellyfish on the skin.
Some you lessons you learn the hard way, like a kid touching a stove after their parents warned them that it was hot. Why reach and not heed the warning? Curiosity for depth of love, I suppose. For its beauty and its dangers. Life is the same way, housing beauty, and dangers, but you know what? That doesn’t stop us from living and loving once more.
Be sure to heed those lessons in love and learn what you can to educate yourself on where you feel you may fall short in your assessment of your life. That is the journey to self-love.